I recently wrote a well-received post about how online communities are about the members and not about the community manager.  Indeed, the best community managers make sure their communities are front and center and don’t turn their online groups into ego projects. It’s easy to use words like “I” and “my” because we’re so possessive and proud when it comes to our online communities, especially if we grew said communities from scratch.  However, it’s not about us, it’s about them.

Except when it’s about us.

As a rule, community managers shouldn’t make community discussions about them because it only serves to turn people off and give the wrong impression about the community and reasons behind it.

That isn’t to say there aren’t times when it can’t be about you.

When you have to remind people who is in charge

I’m not a fan of public smackdowns, hissy fits or “my way or the highway” community management, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t remind members about your role in the community. Knowing a community manager is close by can help to keep the peace and make sure members are mindful of the rules.  Now, being a presence in your community doesn’t mean you have to stand on a soap box, hands on hip, in your best “I’m in charge and don’t you forget it” pose, but you should definitely act swiftly and effectively when folks are toying with the rules or being disrespectful of others. If your members know you’re watching (without being too “in your face”) they’re less likely to inflict drama, abuse or other behavior making the majority of your community feel uncomfortable.

When it’s time for your personality to shine through

It’s ok to let your sense of humor or quirkyness come out. If you have a sense of fun, by all means share it with your community. If you enjoy a serious discussion, definitely try to stimulate these same types of discussions form time to time. If you have a passion for a particular topic, it’s ok to share (not force) that passion with others. It’s your personality that makes the community and your members do appreciate you for who you are. Again, it’s not about forcing yourself upon your community, but, rather, adding a human quality to your brand.

When you wish to provide a relevant example

Sometimes you have to reach into your community manager’s toolbox to provide anecdotes and stories. It’s ok to place yourself in certain situations if it’s relevant to a discussion – and providing you’re not turning it into a discussion about you. If there’s a lesson to be shared, or if you want to show that you made a few mistakes before getting to where you are today, there’s nothing wrong with telling your stories. Just be sure not to turn every discussion into a personal anecdote because that’ll only get old.

When you’re called upon for advice

Many community managers are cselected for their roles because of their knowledge of their respective niches. You’re seen by your members as an expert of sorts, or mentor. It’s OK to give opinions if asked (and if they don’t cross the line or reflect poorly upon personal or professional brands), or to offer guidance to members if called upon to do so. It’s also OK to step in to a conversation and offer some food for thought based on personal experiences.  To come in to a discussion with an “I know more than you do and that’s that” attitude won’t grow your community, but to offer gentle guidance when needed shows your members you’re there for them.

When you’re up for review

When your superiors are reviewing your performance as a community manager, it’s OK to be a little self serving. Show numbers and discuss how you achieved community growth, or how your effort led to more sales or another goal.  Performance reviews are when you’re supposed to toot your horn and tout your accomplishments. Don’t bring out the superiority, but do focus on your achievements.

When you’re writing a bio

If you blog, have a heavy online presence, or speak at conferences you’re going to be called upon to create a bio. Unlike your performance reviews, you don’t necessarily want to throw out all your numbers and talk yourself up too much, but it’s ok to list your community achievements to highlight your expertise. Bios shouldn’t be self-serving, but should be more about how you, as a community manager, or expert in the niche, can benefit the person who is reading the bio.

Online communities aren’t about the community manager at all. They’re about the people who make up the community, and, to a lesser extent, the brand. In many cases it’s a public role,  but that whole “public” thing can go haywire if we don’t keep our egos in check. Even so, there are times when it’s ok to inject a little of you into the community.

When do you make community about you? Is it ever OK?

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You can’t force community. If folks aren’t feeling it – either the brand, the community manager, or the people who make up the community – they’re not going to be productive members of said community. No one likes to be pressured to join a group or made to feel inferior for not participating. So it’s probably best not to get pushy about it or beg  or plead for comments or activity, that just makes for an uncomfortable situation.

The best online communities achieve growth organically. That is, the community grows naturally without much pressure or prodding from the community management. That isn’t to say there isn’t much guidance, but definitely the community isn’t forced or made to feel as if they have to participate.

It’s not difficult to achieve organic community growth.

Content marketing

Using content to attract members and raise awareness for your brand isn’t new by a longshot, but the term “content marketing” is currently achieving buzzword status. The content you create, whether it’s blog posts, web articles, tweets, Facebook updates or discussions on Google+ all have the ability to drive traffic to your community. When you present interesting discussion topics or topics relevant to a particular niche, folks are going to want to come by to learn more. The content you create not only has the ability to catch the immediate eye, but it also has the ability to attract the attention of the search engines, which means you could be attracting new members via your content for years to come. To do this, read your stats, and all community discussions to determine why folks are coming by. Content Marketing pro Marcus Sheridan recommends taking the top 50 questions folks ask about your brand or product and turn them into articles or blog posts. This will catch the attention of the search engines, and also the people who you want to stop by and have a conversation.

Stimulating discussions

There’s an art to conversation. People don’t like to be talked down to, lectured or have their intelligence insulted. They like to discuss topics of interest with like minded people. They’re not into constant smackdowns or drama, but they do appreciate respectful disagreement. When you have the conversation thing down, and have a reputation for having the conversation thing down, folks want to be a part of that.  If your community is known for having stimulating discussion topics, you’ll notice more people are staying than leaving and achieve a good, steady growth.  You won’t have to beg for comments, mention a lack of comments and constantly direct people to your topics.

Evergreen topics

Though it’s good to have timely, current discussions, there are also topics that continue to generate interest long after the discussion is initiated. Unlike current events, “evergreen” topics have the ability to draw in members for years to come. Evergreen topics can include how to’s,  background information, history, caring for tools, and anything that won’t be obsolete in a couple of months. For example, if you run a culinary community it’s fine to discuss the latest scandals in the celebrity chef world, but the people who are truly interested in gourmet cookery want to get to the nitty gritty. They want to learn about foods, techniques and tools. And yes, while food does have the ability to be trendy, writing about, say, the healing qualities of garlic or providing links to 100 watermelon recipes doesn’t run out of style. This is what will catch the attention of the search engines, and also the people who are doing the searching. If your discussion topics are interesting and intelligent, folks just won’t search. They’re going to stop by for a chat, thus achieving community growth.

Community moderation

The most popular online communities aren’t filled with members snarking at each other or calling each other names. They’re filled with respectful discussion. This doesn’t necessarily happen without a good moderator to make sure folks are following the rules. When a community is filled with drama and negativity, the only folks sticking around are those who thrive on drama and negativity. Well moderated communities might have their share of drama, but it’s dealt with swiftly and effectively so that most members aren’t aware any negativity occurred. Positive communities yield positive growth.

Member advocates

Word of mouth marketing is a beautiful thing. When people love what you do, they share it with others. If they’re enjoying an online experience, they’re sure to recommend to family and friends. Create a positive, productive experience, and your members will do your marketing for you. ( But that’s not an excuse for laziness on your part.)

What are some of the ways your growing (not forcing) your community?

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This is my third BlogWorld & New Media Expo working behind the scenes as Conference Director, and I’m not exaggerating when I tell you they just keep getting better. Our first ever BlogWorld L.A. was our biggest, best and most rewarding conference ever.  The feedback has been incredibly positive and the complaints were small things. In fact, I only had one complaint about the WiFi the whole time, as even that was spot on.

I don’t know if you know what happens behind the scenes as attendees and speakers are enjoying the conference, but it’s a lot of running around, a lot off shaking hands, a lot of planning, and a lot of changing things at the last minute. Except there’s was very little changing things at the last minute. For the most part the things that go wrong, didn’t go wrong. We had one error on the schedule, and it was a dumb one, and we had a couple of speakers who didn’t make it, but other than that, I really can’t complain.

The Team

I’ve said it before many times, and I’ll say it again as many times as I need to. I never worked for such an amazing team. I hate calling Rick Calvert and Dave Cynkin “bosses” because they’re more friends than bosses even though they’re in charge. But they don’t micromanage. They let me do my job and offer guidance if asked, or if they see a need. This year, they didn’t see the need as much as they had in the past and it tells me I must be doing something right.

But BlogWorld is more than Rick and Dave. Patti Hosking and Jen Wocjik aren’t only the Business Development team, they’re also my good, good friends. Chris Castro handles presentations and registration and assists me with speaker coordination and he made my job 500% more organized this year. Dani Goren handles operations – and she and Jennifer Holder are the people you have to thank for making sure everything taking place at the venue was running like clockwork from the signage to the food. We have a great editorial team including our Managing Editor, Nikki Katz, assisted by Allison Boyer and Julie Bonner. Community Manager Lara Kulpa hung out on the floor and chatted up attendees.

We all have each other’s backs and we share such enormous respect and affection for each other that we can’t help but work well together. People with their own agendas don’t seem to last long at BlogWorld. Our office at the Los Angeles Convention Center was filled equally with good natured chatter, or the silence of people focused on their tasks.

We have an A/V crew, a marketing crew and a whole team of temps making sure badges are scanned and needs are met. Everyone has a task but everyone worked as part of a team too. In over 25 years of working, I have never worked with a team of people who worked so well with each other.

The Conference

307 speakers, 125+ sessions, 4000 attendees and a positively charged atmosphere, BlogWorld L.A. was about connecting with peers, old friends and new contacts. It was also about education. With 22 concurrent sessions, BlogWorld L.A. offered something for almost every niche and genre in our industry. We had workshops, stand up comedy, and 307 true experts in their field generously offering the benefits of their knowledge to others.

The Los Angeles Convention Center was so accommodating and the team there saw to our every need. It was big though, so our sessions were spread out over two floors and three wings. The rooms were bigger than we were used to, some of the rooms too big for our needs. However, the first year in a new venue is always trial and error and we made lots of notes to carry over for next year. Perhaps we won’t have as many sessions, and perhaps we won’t be so spread apart. These are some of the things we’re discussing internally.

I enjoyed our parties. On Wednesday, November 2nd, we attended s special speakers meetup organized by Kirsten Wright. As the person who wrangles the speakers for BlogWorld, I probably should have been the one to think of and plan the meetup, but I’m so thankful Kirsten took this on. For future BlogWorld’s you can bet that I’m going to make this happen.

Over the next few days there were networking mixers, and full fledged parties. They were well attended and a good time was had by all. Thanks again to our Operations Maven, Dani Goren for putting this all together. Heineken was one of our sponsors as was Eu4rik Vodka, so you know attendees were getting some top shelf attention. Of course, all this top-shelfery met some late sleep-ins the next day, but for the most part all morning keynotes and track keynotes were well attended.

Some Highlights

I have some personal highlights for BlogWorld L.A. Peter Shankman will go down in history as my favorite keynote ever. He was funny, interesting and left us with some good lessons. He also spent time chatting in the speaker room, hanging out with attendees and even came back to the office and chatted up the BlogWorld staff. This is rare behavior for keynotes.

My new BFF Marcus Sheridan is also a highlight. Marcus makes it a point to memorize badges so he can draw attendees into his talk. He asks them questions by name and talks about how what he talks about will work for them. Everyone leaves Marcus’ session charged and ready to go. Other standout speakers included Amy Porterfield who had folks lining up outside the door for her Facebook workshop, and the Napkin Dad himself, Marty Coleman. Finally, Jodan Cooper’s comedy routine before our best closing keynote every, warmed up the crowd and had us holding our sides laughing.

Personal Satisfaction

Though the whole team left BlogWorld L.A. knowing we created something special, the feeling of personal accomplishment is still within me. I’m your classic underachiever. Even my Dad called me his “ne’er do well daughter.” I didn’t graduate from college, and I hated every single job I held in publishing and accounting. It wasn’t until I left my last office job in 2002 and started freelancing as a writer and a blogger that I began feeling as if I was on the right track, and with BlogWorld I truly found my calling. Though I share my success with the entire team, I would be lying if I denied I wasn’t swelling with pride right now, especially after seeing so many positive tweets, status updates and blog posts.

I love the BlogWorld community and interacting with speakers and attendees is something I look forward to doing each day. I enjoy spending time with my team whenever we’re together, and get along with every single one of them.  I even love the work. There’s no politics or back stabbing and the entire team is so supportive of each other’s internal efforts and outside projects. Someone recently asked me about my future goals and I told her I was exactly where I wanted to be.

This is BlogWorld. This is where I belong.

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Most of my online crowd are savvy when it comes to the Internet. We know how to navigate, can spot shady characters at a glance, and can quickly spy inaccurate and poorly written content. However, there’s a whole generation of young people out there who don’t know any of this. And it’s not a slam on their intelligence, either. Not everyone knows enough about predators, privacy and SEO content to educate their kids, and it’s not something so quickly offered in school. We’re getting better at teaching our kids the ropes online, but there are still some areas in which we’re falling short.

Why are we so good about teaching our kids how to avoid shady situations in the real world, but remiss when it comes to the unsavory online stuff?

I recently experienced a circumstance where my son viewed something extremely adult online, despite parental control settings. And though I haven’t been too lax about keeping an eye on his online habits, it got me thinking about all the things all parents should be teaching their kids about using the Internet.

Here’s my list – I hope when you’re done reading, you’ll add your own items to the list because I know there’s much more.

29 Things We Should Teach Our Kids About Using the Internet

1. Not everything you read online is true: It used to be anything we read in print was true. We could trust newspapers, magazines and books as reliable sources of information. It’s not the same with the web. Since anyone can become published, some of the stuff you’re reading online isn’t true. Even worse, some people are just rewriting stuff they read from other people online, so you might be reading the same false information over and over again. Even Wikipedia isn’t necessarily a reliable source. If you’re researching something online, consider the source. Some poorly written, ramdom web page, isn’t necessarily a good source. However, if you find a .gov or .org site, the information has a better chance of being true. Always look at who owns the website and whether or not they have an agenda before considering whether or not certain information is true.
2. Not everything you read online is grammatically correct: Because anyone can be published on the web, the writing isn’t like newspapers and magazines where editors are readily available to make sure all writing is factual and grammatically correct. Again, you have to consider the source. Don’t write like someone you saw online, because more than half the stuff you’re going to read on the web, is poorly written or filled with typos.
3. Not everyone you meet online are who they say they are: This is the hard part because we want to trust our friends, even our online friends. The truth is, some of the people you meet online are lying about who they really are. Sometimes adults pretend to be kids and kids pretend to be someone else. They do this for a variety of reasons; grownups might want to try and have sex with kids or frenemies might want to act like friends to get information on someone they want to bully at school or online. Unless you know someone very well and can verify their identity, don’t trust that everyone who you speak to online are who they say they are.
4. Some people who are pretending to be kids really aren’t: There are grownups who pretend to be kids so teens and kids won’t get creeped out talking with them. This is never a good thing. Most of the grownups who are looking to talk to kids are looking for sex. Parents need to monitor their kids’ friends list and ask questions about the friends they don’t know. It’s more prevalent than you think and it COULD happen to you.
5. Taking someone else’s writing and using it as your own is stealing: If you cut and paste something you found online and pass it off as your own it’s a copyright violation. Plain and simple, it’s plagiarism. There’s some sort of silly belief going around that web content is there to use whenever we want, and that’s not true at all. Never cut and paste someone else’s article, blog post or other content word for word. If you’re quoting a paragraph or line, always offer a link with attribution. That is, give credit to the original author.
6. Every single thing you put online has the ability to stay there for ever: Even if you close up your Facebook account or take down your blog or website, someone can still find your stuff and use it. There are tools like the “Wayback Machine” which can bring back web pages that were taken offline years ago. Also, friends and former friends might take screenshots or cut and paste your embarrassing status updates, only to use them later to embarrass you.
7. Not everyone you “friend” is your friend: Just like in the real world, not everyone you know is a friend. Think long and hard about the people you’re “friending.” Drama doesn’t just stay in school anymore, now it follows you home thanks to the social networks. Plus, stuff you share with what you think is a private social networking page is a simple cut and paste away from being broadcast all over school. Also, be careful when friending friends of friends and friends of friends of friends. You don’t really know these people, why are you giving them access to your private life? Sometimes, it’s like giving them the keys to your house.
8. Online bullying hurts as much as offline bullying: People get bullied online and offline. That’s why it’s important for parents to monitor their kids’ social networking accounts. If your kids are being abused or bullied, you can help. You don’t want to learn about a serious situation when it’s too late. And kids don’t want to tell their parents about bullying episodes because they sometimes feel they’re to blame for saying the wrong thing or being socially inept. No one deserves this. If parents or kids are being bullied, the first step to take is to ban the bullies from their social networking accounts. Then tell the authorities.
9. Set your filter on “high”: Good habits start early. The Internet makes it so easy to overshare. But just because you can share snippets of our life, doesn’t mean it’s anyone’s business. There are just things people don’t need to know about. Posting about one’s sex life, juvenile delinquent activities, personal hygiene issues and bodily functions means there’s no sense of discretion. Also, posting about expensive purchases and gadgets is inviting a robbery. Parents should start teaching kids about too much information or “TMI” at an early age and what can happen when others have access to our personal details.
10. People will gossip if you give them something to gossip about: No one wants to be gossiped about, yet every day they give out gossip-worthy tidbits. Underage girls pose provocatively and post the images to their Facebooks, boys talk about who they hooked up with at a party. Kids can’t get away with the same things parents might have in the past because it all has the ability to end up online. Don’t give anyone anything to gossip about – online or off. Also? If the proof is online, you can’t deny something happened and you lose all credibility.
11. Sometimes the best thing you can do is turn off your computer: Why would you want to avoid drama at school, but come home, go online to take part in more drama? Also, if someone says something online you don’t like, or behaves in a way that makes you uncomfortable, there’s no law saying you have to respond, or even stay online. Turn off your computer and do something less stressful. Enjoy the people and things that make you happy.
12. Facebook isn’t life: There’s a whole big world happening outside. It goes beyond status updates, duckfaces, and LOLs. In the real world people are enjoying the weather, going shopping, playing sports, and enjoying real time conversations. That’s real life. Unless it’s your job or for your job, (and even if it is) the Internet should be a distraction or an extracurricular activity, not the place where you spend all your time. If what’s happening on Facebook is keeping you from your family, your schoolwork or impacting health or sleep habits, it’s become a problem.
13. Don’t friend your boss :Many of us enjoy good relationships with their bosses, and that’s a good thing. But it’s not necessarily a good idea to to take that relationship to a personal level. Certain social networks, like Facebook, are personal. When you let too much of your professional life cross over into your personal life it opens up a whole Pandora’s Box of issues. Your boss and co-workers may gossip about your personal life, for example. Also, they may hold certain bits of information against you. And if you ever want to vent about a bad day at work, you could be fired. Always think about the people who you;re giving access to and what they will think and do with your personal information.
14. You don’t have to friend everyone who asks: I know we teach our kids to have good manners, and to not intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings. However, one thing we should also talk about is how we should take great care in choosing friends – both online and off.  We wouldn’t walk up to Joe Off the Street and tell him what town we live in or what we did three hours ago, but that’s what happens when we friend people we don’t know.  We shouldn’t have to worry about hurting someone’s feelings by not allowing them access to our lives and if it’s someone who we don’t choose to associate with offline, we certainly shouldn’t be opening ourselves up to them online.
15. You don’t have to join every social network: Kids don’t join every club, don’t attend every party, visit every restaurant, or hang out with every kid, so they can apply their own philosophies on socializing to the online world as well. They don’t have to be everywhere, pick the one or two social networks they like the most and hang out there.
16. Don’t allow your friends to share your personal details without permission: Sometimes online  friends will post things on another person’s wall or tag friends in status updates that aren’t intended to cause trouble but can. For example they might mention a hookup or a date to cut school. They might mention a test result the recipient didn’t want getting out or tease  about something embarrassing. Make sure friends are respectful of privacy, if they’re not they should be dropped from social networking circles.
17. When you post your phone number or address online, you’re inviting bad things to happen: Cell phone numbers, land lines, addresses, and even email addresses aren’t for public consumption. Be VERY, very, VERY careful when giving these out. First, many people online aren’t who they say they are at all. Bad people exist and it CAN happen to you and your family. Second, you’re opening yourself up to scammers, stalkers, identity thieves, perverts, robbers and other unsavory types.  There’s a reason so many people keep their phone numbers unlisted. So if you wouldn’t put it in a telephone book, why would you post it online? Don’t give out your personal details to people you don’t know very well. Not unless you want to open up a whole Pandora’s Box of issues.
18. Drama blows over: Most online drama is over after a week or so. Yes, it’s mortifying and yes, there are things you don’t want people knowing about or talking about but it happens. The best thing any drama victim can do is to log off and leave it be. Don’t look at what people are saying about and don’t emgage in a tit for tat debate. Let it die down and know your true friends always show their true colors. Bullying should always be reported, however, to a parent or trusted teacher. Also, if parents suspect something is up, it’s not a lack of privacy to read a teen’s email, social netowrking channels, etc. (we’ll get to that in a bit.)
19. There’s no such thing as privacy online: Facbook and some other social networks may seem private because you’re  in control of who you let view your status updates.  However, that means nothing. Everything you post is only a cut and paste away from the whole world seeing it. Everything you post on a social network has the ability to show up somewhere else. Someone you think you trust may be sharing your private details with others, and yes, it DOES, absolutely, without a doubt, happen. A good rule of thumb is to never post anything online you wouldn’t want to see splashed across the headlines of the New York Times.
20. Google yourself: Take a little time and give yourself a Google. You may be surprised at what you see. Maybe you’ll find some honorable mentions of athletic or academic achievements, or community service. Mentions on Google can be the opposite too, you might find your personal photos and details on someone else’s website. Check your name on the various search engines  - what you find may have you rethinking how you share online.
21. You’re not smarter than your parents: Kids always think they’re smarter than their parents, especially when it comes to hiding things or who they’re friend with.  Grownups may be old and out of touch, but there are certain universal truths we’ve carried with us throughout the years. For example, that who interacting with strangers thing? It’s not a good idea and we’re probably better at spotting a phony, even though you think we’re not.  Yes, there are some parents who aren’t computer savvy, but they know how to read their kids and can quickly figure things out if they feel they’re being lied to or if their kids are in trouble. Trust us.
22. It’s not the quantity, it’s the quality:  You don’t have to update the world on ever thing that happens to you. Stop focusing on how many times you update on the social networks and instead think about the things you’re saying. Will they inspire the right kinds of conversation? Will they hurt feelings or get someone in trouble? Will they not inspire conversation at all? Just like the offline world, online please choose your words carefully.
23. Sharing passwords never leads to anything good: So here’s what happens when passwords are shared: Friends share it with other friends. Or they use your passwords to troll or use abusive words in your name directed at other people. Or they read your email or private messages. Or they post things you don’t want posted. Or they use your PayPal or credit cards to do a little shopping. And then they tell the whole world about it. Stop saying they won’t because they will.
24. Your personal information is just a fight away from becoming public: Childhood and teen relationships are delicate. Kids and teens aren’t always mature enough to handle arguments and fights. Say the wrong thing or argue with the wrong person and dirty laundry becomes public.  People act in the heat of anger and actions taken online can’t be taken back.
25. If you use initials you’re still swearing: Just because you’re saying WTF (instead of spelling out the whole world) doesn’t mean you’re not swearing.  Some people are easily offended by strong words. Think twice before writing something that might make others feel uncomfortable.
26. The best of the world is happening offline: When you log off your laptop, you can enjoy a world of books, sports and sunshiney days. You can go to the movies or skating rink with your friends or cook a gourmet meal with your family. This is real life. This is where the fun is.
27. If online drama is affecting your offline world, it’s time to unplug for a while: If all you can think about is your online interactions, you need to get offline pronto. If the things you say and do and people you’re talking with are keeping you up at night, and causing you to lose focus on your classes or other commitments, it’s time to spend less time online. Kids don’t need grownup sized stress.  I know this sounds too simple, but if you spend less time online, those online problems will go away.
28. People who ask you to keep secrets are your friends: Anyone who tells you to keep secrets from your parents aren’t looking out for your best interests. Ever. There is no reason for anyone to ever tell anyone to keep something from their folks, unless they’re up to no good. There’s no way to justify it. If someone is asking you to keep a secret, they’re asking you to do something you shouldn’t be. They’re inviting you to be a partner in crime and there may be very real and serious repercussions if you accept.
29. It’s not a violation of privacy or lack of trust to view our kids’ Facebook pages:  Parents, our kids’ well being is our responsibility.  As parents, it’s up to us to know what our kids are doing online and off. We check to see who they’re going out with or how they’re spending they’re time offline, so why aren’t we doing the same when they’re on the web. It’s not disrespecting a kids’ privacy to have access to their email or Facebook accounts. It’s good parenting.

There’s an “It can’t happen to me” type mentality going around when it comes to online safety, and teens especially feel they’re smarter than we give them credit for. But every day young people are abused, scammed or taken advantage of because of their online interactions and most of them are kids who thought it couldn’t happen to them.

As parents, many of us don’t want to fight with our kids and intruding into their online lives or talking with them about best practices can lead to arguments. However, if we don’t discuss these things with our kids, bad things can happen.  Our kids are under so much pressure, with academic requirements, sports and all their other activities. When you add online drama to the mix, and we’re setting them up for a whole new set of problems and issues. We need to let our kids be kids, but we also need to clue them in to the realities of the online world. No matter how wrong they feel we are.

What do you think of the tips shared here today – do you have any others to share?  I hope both parents and kids will weigh in on this one.

Be safe people.

You might also like:

• An Open Letter to Kids Who Use Facebook
• How Parents Can Help Their Kids Practice Safe Social Networking
• 8 Safe Social Networks for Kids
• Getting Blunt: 16 Things Should Know About Social Networking

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I just found my name on a Twitter list entitled, “Fearless Women.” I also found myself on a blog post by Kristi H ines called “125 Fearless Females Bloggers.” It’s flattering and an honor to be included, but I’m also confused by the inclusion.

You see, I’m always afraid. Not in a chicken, cowardly sort of way,  but more in a way that I worry about things like outcome , reputation and failure. I don’t jump into things, I carefully weigh the pros adn cons, and think about how all my actions will affect others.

I’m always afraid.

To me, being fearless means:

• Not being afraid to try something new
• Writing things without worrying about how others will react
• Attending conferences, meetups, tweetups and other events without worrying I won’t l know anyone
• Approaching others to join a conversation without worrying about saying the right thing
• Applying for opportunities I know I’m perfect for, without a second thought as to whether or not I’m truly perfect for them
• Getting past my millions of insecurities to succeed

But I like being afraid sometimes because being afraid means:

• I think about what I’m doing before I’m doing. I might be afraid to fail, but when I take the time to plan things out, it’s less likely failure will happen.
• I think about what I’m going to say, before I say it.  It might not be what I really want to say but at least there are no misunderstandings or hurt feelings later.
• Worrying about my reputation means it’s important how I represent me as well as the brand I’m working for in a positive light.
• Impulsive isn’t always an asset, sometimes it’s seen as a detriment which cause people to think twice about working or spending time with me.

Being Afraid Keeps Us in Check

I know there are people who think I’m kind of silly because I’m not so headstrong and worry a lot about making others feel uncomfortable. But I think there’s something to be said about being the right kind of afraid. I’m not paranoid of every single step I take, but I do like to take the time to consider how my actions will affect me, the people around me, the people I love and the people I work for.

How does being afraid keep YOU in check? Are you fearless? What are the types of things you worry about?

Tell us, is it better to be fearless or afraid?

{ 10 comments }

Last week a blogging friend and I were talking about comments and community. She wondered what she was doing wrong because her blog posts yielded very few comments and when there were comments they were along the lines of “I agree,” or “Yes I did,” or “no I don’t.”  Responses were brief and left no room for further conversation.

The Problem With the Yes and No

Here’s the thing about community. Sometimes they show up on their own, but most of the time they’re waiting for an invitation. They’re not invasive and most don’t like to share their opinions unless they’re asked to do so.  When your blog post only asks a “Yes” or “No” question, you’re only going to receive “Yes” or “No” answers. And, really, where’s the fun in that?

Yes and no don’t invite discussion. They invite one words responses. Folks coming to seek a good conversation aren’t going to stick around if a good conversation isn’t happening. It’s not enough to ask if someone disagrees, knowing why they disagree is just as important – and it’s when you get past the “ifs” and into the “whys” that the true conversational magic happens.

Do you take the time to ask your readers what they think? Or do you only ask if they agree?

The Problem With Making Statements

Statements don’t invite conversation. They mostly say, “this is how I feel but I’m not interested in knowing how you feel.”  For your readers to want to comment you have to go beyond the statement and into the conversation.

• Create blog posts that leave room for discussion
• Don’t be afraid to ask the kinds of questions that lead to in depth responses
• It’s OK to be controversial now and then as long as you’re inviting the right kinds of discussions and not turning your blog into a hotbed of negativity.
• Allow for respectful disagreement. Know it’s OK for folks to disagree, but draw the line at pettiness, fights, attacks and sniping.
• Don’t beg for comments, but be sure your community knows you value their opinion.

Statements don’t allow for the above. Instead they’re mostly pontificating and they tell your readers you don’t care enough about their opinions to leave them opportunity to  encourage conversation.

Do you blog to create a statement or do you blog to create a conversation?

Planning an Open Ended Blog Post

I think the key to blog conversation is in creating blog posts with discussion in mind.  When you’re planning out the post, plan out the conversation. What do you hope your readers will take away from the post, and what do you hope they’ll talk about in the ensuing discussion? These are things to think about before you begin writing.

For example, my hope with this post is to have a conversation about engagement and what bloggers can do to foster a discussion about the topic at hand.  If I did my job properly, you’re going to read this post and have an opinion that you’d like to share with this community. Also, if I did my job properly, the questions in this post will not only inspire conversation it will also inspire you to engage your own community. What I’m hoping won’t happen is to be met with the sound of crickets.

I answered these questions before I wrote this post:

• Why am I writing this post?
• Who am I writing this post for?
• Does anyone want this information?
• If I were reading this post, what would make me want to comment?
• What do I want to learn from my community about this topic?
• Am I the only one who feels this way?
• What questions are YOU going to come up with after reading this post?
• Did I offer an opportunity for other people to join in?

To me, it makes no sense to blog if comments aren’t going to happen, and comments aren’t going to happen if I don’t give you something to talk about.

What do you do to create an open ended conversation with your readers?

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Dear Facebook,

I’m not a girl who whines and complains a lot, especially for services like yours that I’m using at absolutely no cost to me. However, recent events have rethinking my policy to keep complaints to a minimum.  For the record, I’m firmly planted in the “If it aint broke, don’t fix it” camp, but I do understand the need to change to keep up. Indeed, when I owned my blog network I made changes to functionality and design to keep up with the times, and still many people complained whenever there were changes. I hated that and know how you feel when new changes roll around and everyone gripes.

Ch….ch…ch…Changes

Still, when I made changes to my design I didn’t require my community to change with me, and here’s where we have our problem, Facebook. Just about every change is requiring me to change my privacy or notification settings.  Plus, I now have to pretty much adjust every single friend on the list. I don’t want to see my sister’s, brother in law’s, step son’s, Great Aunt Tilly’s updates.  I have enough drama in my own life than to have to be privy to someone else’s. I enjoyed my previous setting very much. So much so that they did me fine for at least the past three years.

Ditto notification settings. I don’t need to be informed of every burp and giggle, but there are things I do like to know about, for example if I receive a private message. It took some time for me to get all my notification settings exactly the way I wanted it, and you had to go and change them on me.

And don’t get me started on that ticker thing going down the right side of my screen….

Here’s what gets me the most about all this, you give no warning.  I never receive anything telling me you’re going to be effing around with my notification settings or that I would have to determine the relationship for each of my frieds.  Every morning when I log in there’s another surprise.  Now, don’t get me wrong. I love surprises (Mr. Ng, are you listening?) but the surprises I like are sparkly and come in small boxes – they don’t require me to spend an hour screwing with settings and notifications.

And while I’m at it, let’s talk about the Timeline.  When it was revealed developers could have a Timeline early, many of us jumped on the bandwagon. “Early Adapter” has a sort of hip, in-crowd connotation and as someone who has never been hip or in, I was getting me some of that.  Except now a couple of weeks in, I hate it.  The timeline makes it hard to tell the timeline at all.  It’s very confusing to an outsider to tell the order of my posts. Moreover, despite changing my settings the last 200 times you changed, once again, TMI is showing up on my wall…er…timeline.  I don’t care for any of my friends or family to know who I’m playing in Words with Friends, nor do I think it’s important that they know who friended me that day, or what I’m liking. It’s just none of their business.  And the worst part is, I’m so technically challenged, I don’t know how to get my old wall back.

It’s not me, it’s you

I’m not a hater, Facebook. I’m not one of those people who refuse to use Facebook and I don’t complain about you every step of the way. I love that you give me a way to keep up with family, high school friends and long lost cousins.  But the changes, Facebook, make them stop.  If you can’t make them stop, don’t make them too much work for me. Keep my settings and notifications and don’t make my Timeline so confusing no one knows what they’re looking at. I want to enjoy using you, not walk away because you’re making it too hard.

I’m not a chronic malcontent, Facebook. I’m not THAT girl.  For once, it’s not me.

It’s you.

Sincerely,

Deb

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I’m not an expert networker.  I’m sort of shy about approaching people and often worry about saying the wrong thing in conversation. I try to portray confidence, but the truth is, I’m not always confidnet in my ability.

I practice though. As a freelancer I knew I needed to meet the right kind of people to get my career going as opposed to relying solely on the online world. I started attending local professional events and even became president of a local woman’s group in order to expand my career. The networking on a local level helped me to be more confident as I began attending conferences.

Now, I network for other reasons – to find speakers for my own conference, evangelize to potential attendees, and spread the word about my book – but the methods I use remain the same.

I’ve been told I’m a good networker, but I don’t know if that’s true. The truth is, I enjoy talking with people and I love making new friends, and that’s how I approach networking even if I’m at a professional event.

If you poll a room filled with conference attendees about why they’re there, the top reason will most likely be to network. However, it’s my experience too many people feel being professional means being stiff and business-like.  Worse, too many people feel networking is selling. It’s neither being stiff or smarmy. Rather, networking is a way to meet other people and determine if they’re right for your business, collaboration,  or friendship.

Here are some of my rules for successful networking.  When you’re done reading, I hope you’ll let us know if you agree or disagree with any of these, or offer your own tips for networking.

25 Essential Conference Networking Tips

1. Consider why you’re there – Are you at the networking event to sell? Make a name for yourself? Promote something? Why you’re there makes a big difference in the types of people you meet and talk to.
2. Determine why you’re different from everyone else – Not better, but different. If you’re in a conference hall with 4,000 people all sharing common interests, it’s good to have a reason to stand out. And by standing out I don’t mean being brash, obnoxious, brutally honest or loud. Making people feel uncomfortable isn’t conducive to good networking.
3. Don’t just cling to A-listers - There are more B, C, D, E & Z listers at any given event than A-listers. They may not have the huge reach someone well-known might have, but you have a better chance of building relationships and spending time getting to know someone who may not be so busy. Also, today’s C-lister may be tomorrow’s A-lister. Finally, I’ve been very disappointed by some of the attitudes  of people on the A-list. Just because someone is successful, doesn’t mean he’s someone you want to emulate or associate with.
4. Don’t sell – Networking isn’t selling, though if you’re a good networker you can land sales. Sales pitches turn people off, and no one wants to be cornered in an elevator. Just talk. Eventually what you do will come into it and if the other party is interested she’ll ask to learn more. Being pushy is a turnoff, not a selling point.
5. Don’t brag – If the conversation is all about you and your achievements, you’ll soon find yourself alone. Networking is more about listening than talking.
6. Find common ground - We all have something in common whether it’s a job, hobby or kids.  When we find people with whom we share an interest, we share a kinship of sorts  and that leads to trust.
7. Don’t start off with “who are you with?“- Every time I attend a conference in NYC, the “Who are you with?” crowd comes out. It’s their opening introductory line. They don’t say, “Hi, my name is so and so, tell me about you…” They say, “who are you with?” as if where I work is more important than who I am or what I do. If I’m not with someone you deem important will you walk away? I don’t get this opening line at all.
8. Don’t offer a business card for the sake of offering a business card – I’m going to share something very few people are willing to admit. Most people who you hand off your business card to won’t use it.  They’ll throw it away or put it in some business card graveyard in their office and never look at it again.  Business cards are definitely useful and have their place at networking events, but handing them out just for the sake of handing them out is a waste. Give it to someone who you made a connection with and who you know will find it useful.  Don’t give them out just because you have them.
9. Watch the salty talk – Before you start swearing or telling bawdy stories, be sure the people you’re talking with are comfortable with that.  Most people aren’t and you won’t make the right impression.
10. Meet a variety of people - Don’t just go for your niche. Meet people who do a variety of different jobs for a variety of different places. You all have the ability to work together or learn from each other.
11. Don’t stalk - If there’s someone you want to meet, by all means do what you can to meet him. But don’t follow him around for five days because that’s just creepy. People avoid stalkers.
12. Make introductions – Make sure everyone who is having a conversation together knows each other. If you see someone who may not know everyone in your group, make some introductions. There are times when you don’t know everyone either, and you’re thankful when someone else brings you into the conversation. It works both ways.
13. Make everyone a part of the conversation - When I first started attending conferences I was afraid to join in an existing conversation for fear of butting in. Fortunately, others in the conversation made me feel at ease and  drew me in by asking me questions or making others aware of what I do. If you see someone listening in but not interacting, they’ll be so grateful if you make them part of the conversation too.
14. Instead of waiting to talk, listen – The problem with many conversations is they’re made up of two people talking and no one listening. Too many of us aren’t listening, but rather, waiting for the other person to to stop talking  so we can start talking again. How can you learn about someone else if you’re not listening. Networking isn’t about you. It’s about having a conversation and seeing where it takes you.
15. Don’t apologize for every little thing – When we’re nervous, insecure and feeling awkward we tend to apologize for every little thing. But the problem with this is it makes others feel as if you’re nervous, insecure and feeling awkward. Don’t apologize for things that are not your fault or not worthy of an apology, but do apologize for missteps.
16. Ask questions - When you’re networking, you’re doing so to make new connections, whether that’s readers for your blog, to drive sales,  to learn and share ideas, to promote something or to collaborate. How can you do this without asking questions and learning about the other person or people taking part in your conversation.  I say this often: networking isn’t about you. It’s never about you. The end result may be about you or your business, but networking is always about the other guy and how you can work together.
17. Don’t embellish – Don’t lie about your career. Don’t make up things you didn’t do or inflate traffic or sales numbers. When it turns out you’re lying, and embellishers or exaggerations are almost always found out, it just makes people not want to do business with you. Be honest about your details and why you’re there and you’ll find folks are more receptive.
18. Don’t go for “yes” or “no” questions – When you ask “yes” or “no” questions, the only responses you’ll receive are “yes” or “no.” That doesn’t make up much of a conversation, does it?Ask the types of questions people can expand upon. Take it beyond the “yes” and “no.”
19. Don’t get too personal - TMI. Don’t do it. People don’t want to know about your past hookups or how drunk you were the night before, as much as you think it’s a really cool ice breaker. Also? Don’t drop names, it only makes folks roll their eyes.
20. Don’t talk about your problems – People are polite. They’ll listen and nod, and even give free advice. Truthfully, though, total strangers don’t care about why your boss hates you or your ex-wife’s affair.  No one wants to be around Debbie Downer, and personal details are personal, anyway.
21. Work the room – Don’t wait for people to come to you. Instead, make your way around the room and meet different groups of people and take part in different conversations. You’ll meet many more people this way and make a good impression as someone with confidence and drive.
22. Don’t try to impress – Name dropping, number dropping and listing achievements to everyone who didn’t ask (and even some who did) only makes you look like a blowhard. There are ways to talk yourself up without making it look like a steaming pile of ego.  And frankly, people who want to learn about your achievements are going to Google you anyway.
23. Shake hands – It works.
24. Learn about the networking event and the people who will be there - Take time before you go to the conference to learn about why it’s being held, the exhibitors, the speakers, the content and the attendees. Learning about why people are there and what they hope to achieve by attending, will also help you work out your own angle for approaching people and finding common ground.
25. Follow up – Ok, you attended a conference, shook hands, collected business cards and came home. Now what?  Don’t wait for people to call you. Instead contact the people you’re hoping to connect with. Follow them on the social networks and build a true relationship. Send an email letting them know how much you enjoyed the conversation and see where that takes you. If you come home and never contact these people again, your networking was a complete waste of time and money.

Now it’s your turn. What do you think of my networking strategy? Am I doing it wrong? Do you have good tips to share too?

Discuss…

{ 15 comments }

My personal filter is set on high. In my mostly online world where others have to rely on our written words those words have the potential to take on the wrong meaning. When I filter,  things aren’t taken out of context and feelings aren’t hurt.

My job is kind of public.  People know who I am and know where to find me on and offline. I’m on the social networks and I attened many conferences and meetups each year.  I worry  a lot about gaffes and missteps, maybe more then I should. I worry about saying things people will take the wrong way,  hurting feelings after making difficult decision,s and even coming off as angry or accusatory.  My filter ensures I keep myself in check and I act professional when it’s time to act professional and remain courteous even if that’s not how I’m feeling at the moment.

Why My Filter is On the Highest Level

It didn’t always used to be this way, but after having my words or actions twisted around, taken out of context, misquoted and misconstrued, I’ve decided it’s best to think thrice about anything I do or say, especially online. Now, some might argue filtering one’s self means one isn’t being  one’s true self, and I beg to differ.  I think I do a good job of letting my personality shine through even if I’m not acting impulsively. I think we can be ourselves and not have a “strong” personality.

I don’t only have a high level on my filter because I’m worried I might say the wrong thing. I also feel it’s important to think about how I make others feel. I don’t ever want to be in a position where I make someone else feel uncomfortable. People with low level filters might be more apt to fly off the handle or talk ill of others. They might use vulgarity or insulting references.  I don’t want to make it so people don’t want to be with me.

Having a high filter means being choosy about who to trust with gossip or inside information because there are plenty of people who just love to share even after they’ve been sworn to secrecy.  I don’t want to ruin a friendship or professional relationship just because I know things.

I also worry about how I’m representing my place of employment. It’s a brand people talk about a lot online and I don’t want to do anything causing them embarrassment. My filter enables me to properly represent the people I work with so there’s not scandal or controversy.

Mostly It’s Common Courtesy

Filtering yourself isn’t censoring yourself.  It’s not stifling creativity or personality. Mostly it’s the ability to make people feel comfortable while not leaving room for misunderstandings and misrepresentation. Having an internal filter means not being brash, rude or “brutally honest.” Because let’s face it, no one likes to hear uncomfortable truths about themselves or their situations, even if brutally honest people feel as if they’re doing the world a public service with their complete lack of tact.

I’m not perfect. I swear, I vent,  I get angry and I itch in embarrassing places.  My filter is set on high because of all that. If I don’t set my filter on high:

• It impacts my ability to become the best person I can be
• It impacts my ability to act in a professional manner
• It impacts others’ ability to trust me
• It impacts others’ ability to want to be around me
• It impacts my ability to get hired
• It impacts how I see myself
• It impacts how others see me

My filter is thick, dirty and takes a beating. There are so many things I want to say or do but I can’t because my filter is blocking my actions.  I guess you can say my filter is looking out for my good intentions. I like the person my filter helps me to be.

Where do you set your filter?  Does it get in the way of being you?

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