My personal filter is set on high. In my mostly online world where others have to rely on our written words those words have the potential to take on the wrong meaning. When I filter,  things aren’t taken out of context and feelings aren’t hurt.

My job is kind of public.  People know who I am and know where to find me on and offline. I’m on the social networks and I attened many conferences and meetups each year.  I worry  a lot about gaffes and missteps, maybe more then I should. I worry about saying things people will take the wrong way,  hurting feelings after making difficult decision,s and even coming off as angry or accusatory.  My filter ensures I keep myself in check and I act professional when it’s time to act professional and remain courteous even if that’s not how I’m feeling at the moment.

Why My Filter is On the Highest Level

It didn’t always used to be this way, but after having my words or actions twisted around, taken out of context, misquoted and misconstrued, I’ve decided it’s best to think thrice about anything I do or say, especially online. Now, some might argue filtering one’s self means one isn’t being  one’s true self, and I beg to differ.  I think I do a good job of letting my personality shine through even if I’m not acting impulsively. I think we can be ourselves and not have a “strong” personality.

I don’t only have a high level on my filter because I’m worried I might say the wrong thing. I also feel it’s important to think about how I make others feel. I don’t ever want to be in a position where I make someone else feel uncomfortable. People with low level filters might be more apt to fly off the handle or talk ill of others. They might use vulgarity or insulting references.  I don’t want to make it so people don’t want to be with me.

Having a high filter means being choosy about who to trust with gossip or inside information because there are plenty of people who just love to share even after they’ve been sworn to secrecy.  I don’t want to ruin a friendship or professional relationship just because I know things.

I also worry about how I’m representing my place of employment. It’s a brand people talk about a lot online and I don’t want to do anything causing them embarrassment. My filter enables me to properly represent the people I work with so there’s not scandal or controversy.

Mostly It’s Common Courtesy

Filtering yourself isn’t censoring yourself.  It’s not stifling creativity or personality. Mostly it’s the ability to make people feel comfortable while not leaving room for misunderstandings and misrepresentation. Having an internal filter means not being brash, rude or “brutally honest.” Because let’s face it, no one likes to hear uncomfortable truths about themselves or their situations, even if brutally honest people feel as if they’re doing the world a public service with their complete lack of tact.

I’m not perfect. I swear, I vent,  I get angry and I itch in embarrassing places.  My filter is set on high because of all that. If I don’t set my filter on high:

• It impacts my ability to become the best person I can be
• It impacts my ability to act in a professional manner
• It impacts others’ ability to trust me
• It impacts others’ ability to want to be around me
• It impacts my ability to get hired
• It impacts how I see myself
• It impacts how others see me

My filter is thick, dirty and takes a beating. There are so many things I want to say or do but I can’t because my filter is blocking my actions.  I guess you can say my filter is looking out for my good intentions. I like the person my filter helps me to be.

Where do you set your filter?  Does it get in the way of being you?

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About a year ago, I determined I couldn’t tell what was happening with the people I followed on Twitter. I followed the same amount of people who were following me and I didn’t know most of them and rarely interacted with them all. Instead, I saw lots of links and a lot of tweets that weren’t my thing. For example, I’m not into swearing on the social networks, or people with risque avatars.  So I culled the account and instead of following about 9,000 people I began following 500 people. It was beautiful. I could read most of my the updates in my Twitter stream without wondering who everyone is and why they’re so spammy.

Recently,  I took back my Facebook account so that my stream wasn’t filled with hundreds of strangers people sharing links to stuff I don’t really care about. Instead,  began slowly removing the people I don’t know and Facebook is becoming a place where my closest friends and family interact.

There were people who didn’t understand,  and I get it. It wasn’t anything personal, and that was the problem. My accounts were not personal and I wasn’t making as many valuable connections as much as I was broadcasting.

I’m seeing more of the same among my peers. Some of the biggest names in blogging social media are trimming their friends and followers on Twitter and Facebook so their accounts are more intimate. Many of them are opting for less “noise” and more meaningful conversations, which makes a ton of sense to me.

Back in the day, which is probably about 3 or 4 years ago, it was about numbers. We weren’t successful unless we had thousands of followers and if we didn’t follow them all we were selfish.

So now it’s 2011,  and we’re not feeling it the way we used to. Twitter is turning into a link farm where people can’t even talk about their iPads without being inundated with spam, Facebook is turning into a place where everyone drops links to their blog posts and makes sure to tag themselves in pictures with as many gurus as possible and Google+, which was the next shiny, big thing, isn’t getting the buzz it did two months ago.

Is it all losing its luster?

This year, we took our first vacation in years. For once, I didn’t rush to the social networks to update every little thing and many of my peers were doing the same.  This summer, I read so many status updates and blog posts about the benefits of unplugging and staying offline – and many of these came from people who spent mot of their day online.

Is the social media honeymoon over?

I think many of us are experiencing social networking fatigue. At first it was about getting the message out and if we weren’t constantly connected we risked losing the attention of our followers or traffic to our blogs. Now, everyone seems to be using the social networking tools less, even oversharers like me. More of us still find online conversations valuable, but we’re also re-learning the value in our offline relationships.

Let’s take a poll:

I think we’re using social media and social networking tools differently now, and that we’re learning we don’t have to spend every waking moment on Twitter or Facebook.  Heck, we don’t even have to blog every day if we don’t feel like it.

I can tell you I’m using the networks a lot differently.  I find I’m not using Twitter as much as I used to, though I do try and stop by each day to chat. Facebook is now a personal social network for me and I follow and have conversations with my social media friends on Google+.

There used to be a time when I spent all day on these networks, but now I’m spending time with my family or enjoying a movie or good book.  While I still overshare, I do it less often and no longer feel compelled to tell everyone what’s going  on every waking minute. If people do nothing but share links, I find I remove them from my accounts or circles rather than get hit up with spam all the time, and I don’t feel guilty about it.

Maybe social networking hasn’t quite lost its luster, I still love it, but I’m finding I don’t need it as much. How about you?

• Are you using social networking more or less – or differently?
• Have you made changes to the amount of people you follow?
• Do you blog less?
• Also, are you finding yourself unplugging and taking vacations from the Internet?

Discuss…

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So yesterday I was at a local department store taking care of some back to school business. As I approached the checkout line, I noted the “Follow us” posters at each cash register. Each poster included the words “Follow Us!” and showed Faebook and Twitter icons.  That’s it.

Which led me to the following questions:

• How do I follow you? – Not everyone is Internet savvy, and some people done know what that “F” or “t” means.  Follow us on Facebook and Twitter might have been a better a suggestion.
• Where do I follow you? Am I to assume you’re @localdepartmentstore on Twitter or Department Store Name on Facebook? What if you’re not?  I don’t want to spend an hour search the socials for your correct address. What if I’ve never been on Twitter or Facebook before? I’ll have no idea how to find you.
• Why do I want to follow you? Do you offer discounts to your community? Are your members enjoying each other’s company? I’d like to know what’s in it for me beyond links to your stuff.

People are busy. They don’t want to be bothered searching, especially when they don’t know what they’re searching for. If you want them to join your community, be specific. Publish your Facebook and Twitter addresses and let your potential community members know  what they’ll get out of it.

Don’t magically expect people to show up, offer direction.

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Over the past few months, I’ve been added to more Facebook groups than I can count on hands and feet. No one asked my permission mind you, they just added me. I’ve also been added to newsletter lists, mailing lists, affiliate lists and email groups.  Again, no one asked me.

Allow me to explain the beauty of the opt in…

When you add someone to a mailing list or a discussion group without their permission, it’s the equivalent of dragging them to a party or club meeting against their will, whether it’s a topic they care to discuss or not. It’s also the equivalent of sending them catalogs and junk mail they didn’t request in the first place. It’s totally not cool.

Opt in mailing lists and groups are when someone with a newsletter or discussion group says to his community, “Here is my list.  I don’t want to force it upon you, but feel free to sign up for it if it piques your interest. You’re under no obligation.”  The Community member signs up and receives a confirmation link to click just to make double sure he wants to receive said mailing or membership. Everyone is happy.

What happens when a group or mailing list doesn’t offer the aforementioned opt-in form and links?

What happens when you start such a gosh darn awesome private Facebook or other group and you want to invite all your friends? You do just that, you invite.  Blindly adding means you’re forcing someone to join your group without your permission. Chances are, your friends don’t really want to join this group, but they’re too polite to say no. They don’t want to hurt your feelings.  After time they start sneaking away, hoping you don’t notice.

If your group doesn’t offer an opt in or invite program, the onus is on you to do it manually. Say to your friends and followers, “Hey, I’m starting a group about collecting fireflies. Any other firefly enthusiasts who want to join, let me know or sign up here.” Now, everyone who wants to be in the group is in the group and not slinking away in the middle of the night. No one is annoyed at you (but not telling you) for adding them to yet another list.

Asking permission is good manners

It’s good manners to ask. Don’t assume everyone wants to be part of your club.

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Do you know what you’re retweeting?

I consider a retweet an endorsement or recommendation, like the sharing of a good book or interesting news item. Yet, every time I see a link receive mass retweets  I wonder if the retweeters are recommending the link  because of it’s content, because they’re supporting the person who dropped the original tweet,  or because the headline is eye catching.

Over the past couple of days, I watched a link receive major, major (I’m talking celebrity even) retweets.  I was just about to retweet too, but then I felt it important to visit the link.  After reading the link I did a little more research and realized there might be more to the story than met the eye, and if so, how could I endorse it? I don’t want to share something I’m not sure about myself.

As I saw the retweets fly, and there were hundreds of them, I wondered how many of those people were tweeting because of a shocking headline or because a celebrity tweeted,  and how many stopped to read and investigate before tweeting.

So here are some things I think about when I see mass retweets:

• Are you sharing a link because you read the post or article and believe in what it says?
• Are you sharing because you know everything you want to know from the headline?
• Are you sharing because you were asked to?
• Are you sharing because you trust the person who originally tweeted?

Is there ever an occasion where you don’t read before you share, and if so, why?

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Yesterday I received a Facebook friend request from my Mom. My Mom! Truly, I never thought I’d see this day. Mind you, mom is rather tech savvy, especially when you consider her age. An age I’m not allowed to reveal under peril of death.

My mother worked from home designing courses for accountants until she was five years past retirement age. I’m not allowed to tell you that age, but she did work from home, on a laptop, using current technology until that age.  Even after that age, mom stayed online. She digests much of her news online and keeps in touch with friends and family online. She even Skypes.  So mom’s not one of those, ” I don’t know anything about computers and I’m not going to start at this late stage of my life” types of Seniors. Crap, did I say Senior? I meant mom could almost be considered a Senior if she didn’t look and act so gosh darned young.

I’m digressing again, aren’t I?

I don’t mind communicating with my family online. Indeed, I even had a forum installed so my mom and five brothers and sisters had a place to talk and share pictures online, rather than clogging up email inboxes with forwards and family discussions. But then Facebook came along and we mostly spent our time there. Well, those of us who bothered with the forum anyway. All through it, Mom insisted she was too busy for Facebook. Which is true. So when I got her request yesterday I was pleasantly surprised.  Since I streamlined my Facebook account to only be a place for personal friends and family to gather, I don’t feel as awkward about sharing personal details or family photos anymore. It’s the perfect opportunity for Mom to receive additional updates about my life and that of her grandchild’s. But then I got to thinking, what does this mean for the way I use Facebook.

Let me explain…

I like to think I can behave in public.  I don’t swear all that much and I’m pretty respectful of others. But now, I’m checking myself before I post.

• Is it too bawdy for Mom? I don’t really get bawdy on Facebook so probably not.
• Is the language too strong for Mom? Probably not, I don’t use strong language on Facebook.
• Will she find some of the links I share offenseive? I’m sure. I mean, The Oatmeal is one of my funnest shares, but I think we can all agree it has moments of inappropriate-ness. So I may have to announce some links as not being safe for Mom.
• Will she think I talk too much on Facebook? Yes. Without question.
• Will Mom like my friends? Total hit or miss but I like to think I’m a good judge of character.

Now, I’m really mindful about the things I post online. Boy, have I learned some important lessons about that! However, with Mom on Facebook I find I’m policing myself before  I post. “What would Mom say?”  So last night I read through quite a few pages of past status updates and you know what? I think we can all agree I’m quite the prolific Facebook poster, but I also do Mom proud.

She must have done a good job raising me.

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To the Teens in My Life Who Also Happen to Be Facebook Friends,

I adore you even though you probably view me as the crazy aunt/cousin/friend who overshares on Facebook and talks too much about Twitter, my child and the weather.  It’s that adoration prompting me to reach out to you today. I  know Facebook is fun and allows you to comment on every day life, and all the other kids have it, but it’s time to start thinking about what you’re posting.

I know, I know. I’m old.  What do I know about Facebook anyway? I certainly don’t know anything about being a teen, so  where do I get off talking to teens about how they’re using Facebook? What’s next? Telling you all to get off my lawn?

Before you roll your eyes and write me off, I’m asking you to please consider the following.

1. Duckface is not attractive:  I’m not sure when the trend of pursing one’s lips into a most unappealing, botox looking, pseudo pout-kissy lips face came into being, but we need to nip it in the bud.  Now. No one looks good doing it. How hard is to smile in to the camera, anyway?  What is the reason for this? Friends don’t let friends make duckface.
2. Swearing on Facebook is tacky: What happened to manners and respect? It’s uncomfortable watching a stream of F-bombs go by from people who are using them just for the sake of using them. Creative, intelligent people can find words to use that aren’t so off-putting.
3. It’s OK to spell out words:  The only thing worse than kids who write in text speak, is adults who write only in text speak. Seeing nothing but abbreviations and numbers hurts the eyes.  It’s Ok, to spell out words. Facebook isn’t a text.  Astound your friends with your intelligence by typing out “Oh my God!” or “Today.” Also? Type “laughing out loud” next to every sentence and see how silly it really looks.
4. If your Facebook is nothing but proclamations of your undying love to your baby/honey/boo you probably need to take it private: Seriously. No one needs to see that.
5. There’s such a thing as TMI: A good rule of thumb is to not post anything online you wouldn’t want to see on the front page of the New York Times. There are several reasons for this. First, certain things simply aren’t anyone’s business.  I don’t need to know if it’s that time of the month,  who you hooked up with last night or how long you were in the bathroom after eating at Taco Bell. (Yes, this is all stuff I read about from teens on Facebook.) Second, you have to consider everyone who is on Facebook before you post this stuff. For example, your old out of touch aunt. Or your boss, mother, father or co-workers. Fellow teens too because they’ll gossip about your private stuff behind your back. And make no mistake, they ARE doing that.
6. Stuff has a way of coming back to haunt you: People gossip. They remember. Bosses, college recruiters, attorneys, police…no matter how private you feel your Facebook is, there’s always the potential for people who you don’t want viewing your account to view your account. Even if you didn’t invite them. For example, the police can access your Facebook if they have reason to suspect illicit activities.
7. If you’re promiscuous on Facebook, how are you acting in real life? If you don’t want people gossiping about you in school or the neighborhood, then stop posting stuff for them to gossip about.
8. Police your friends: If they’re posting on your wall about how much fun they had cutting with you, or if they’re swearing or talking about partying and other stuff you don’t want getting out, you need to have a chat with them about discretion.  By doing this your friends are also giving away your personal information and that can cause trouble for you.
9. Choose your words carefully: Words can hurt people. Even if you delete a post later, it was still out there.  Think before you fire off in anger or do something to seek vengeance.
10. Do you really know thousands of people? Make sure people you friend are truly your friends, especially if you’re one of those TMI people. The sad, sorry truth is you can’t trust everyone, and not everyone is who they say they are. Make sure you know everyone you’re sharing with.
11. WTF, LMAFO, FUBAR and other abbreviations with an “F” in it are still swearing, even if it’s too much trouble to spell out the words. All I’m asking is that you think about what you’re really saying.
12. Here are some things you probably shouldn’t be posting on Facebook: What classes you’re cutting, who you had sex with the night before, how much money is in your bank account, your phone number, your address, pictures of you with very little clothing, drunk photos, and pictures of you making out with random hookups.
13. You have more frenemies than friends: I can tell you that not everyone has the best intentions. People who say they’re your friends, your really, really good friends, sometimes aren’t. They’re taking your private details and gossiping, or sharing photos you don’t want anyone to share.  Ditto ex-significant others. Before you post something, think about whether or not it’s appropriate and if someone can use it against you.
14. You need to check your privacy settings: If everyone can view your images, your wall and your personal details, you need to take a look at your settings and fix that. Unless you want the whole world to know what classes you cut or who you hooked up with.
15. There are implications to having your boss as a friend: For example, if you call in sick to work, but post pictures of you out drinking all night? Not a good thing. If you bash co-w0rkers, customers, clients, and the people and company you work for, you can lose your job. Sure, you can say it’s your personal Facebook account or that you’re just being honest, but your boss doesn’t see it that way.

Just think about it, that’s all I ask.

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I love watching different online communities interact. I especially enjoy seeing different community managers do their thing.  It’s truly a position for the right personality and the most successful are funny, engaging and creative.  They’re not just going through the motions on Twitter and Facebook, they’re getting creative with the campaigns and thinking beyond social networking for their outreach. But I think there’s more to being a good community manager than Twitter and Tweetups. There’s also the ability to engage members beyond small talk.

As I observe community managers to gather thoughts and ideas  for my book and think back to  my own experiences, I notice the most successful community managers do one thing right: They don’t make the community about them.

Here are some of my thoughts about community management, and especially how the community manager goes about daily interaction.

• Community isn’t about the community manager, it’s about the people who make up the community: When we’re regulars in a community we know who our communnity manager is, but we also know she’s not the most vocal, in your face person there. Instead, she takes a back seat, allowing everyone to interact on their own unless she needs to step in to moderate a discussion, drop a discussion topic or launch something. She’s not making the community about her, she’s making it about them.
• There’s a difference between personality and TMI: Make no mistake, community managers need to inject a little personality into the gig, otherwise they’re just some boring moderator. However, it’s important to understand the difference between being yourself and forcing yourself on to your community. Being yourself is letting your personality shine through – if you’re funny, you use humor in your interactions with the community. If you enjoy a good read and discussion, you might find interesting links to share. That’s different from telling everyone about your home life, love life, partying habits.
• People can’t always relate to personal stories: One thing I learned is that people can’t always relate to my life, because my life doesn’t relate to everyone in the community. That doesn’t mean I can’t be myself or involve my personality, it simply means not everyone relates to my stories or my day or my life. I get the best reaction when I approach common ground.
• Negativity brings people down:  Something I really had to work hard at was in not bringing down the mood of the community.  I don’t think anyone sets out to do this on purpose, but when we talk about a bad day, complain about poor service, gripe about co-workers or family members or generally grumble about any state of affairs, it presents the wrong tone. Ditto arguing with others, posting depressing discussion topics, and keeping anything less than a positive tone. When I owned my freelance writing community I noticed the reaction to posts with a positive notes. Accusatory, lecturing, angry or depressing topics either got a bad reaction, no reaction, or led to the wrong type of reaction and my community let me know loud and clear it wasn’t what they were there for.
• Never forget why you’re there: All communities have a goal. The goal could be to teach  or it could be to sell. Perhaps it’s to drive advertising or traffic, but there’s still a goal. All interactions should be made with that goal in mind, even if we’re not so obvious with our intentions.
• Community management is a public gig, going way beyond the immediate community: Here’s a message that hit home in the worst way – However I conduct myself in public, whether that’s offline public at a conference or meetup, or online public on the social networks, it directly affects the brand and community I work for…even if I’m on a personal account. Now, I can say it doesn’t matter because it’s personal, but it does. People read stuff I write here and decide if I feel a certain way, BlogWorld, my employer, must feel that way too. The same with what I say on Twitter, Facebook, Google+, at conferences, etc.  They don’t feel the same way I do about a lot of things, but I have to be careful of what I write, say and how I act because there are times when it reflects upon the brand I work for.

As a writer, one of the hardest aspects of online community management was in checking myself and thinking before I typed.  Success came when I made it less about me and more about my community. It didn’t mean I couldn’t be myself or add my personality to the mix, but it did mean that I had to be more aware of what I was putting out there. What do you think about this?  How much of you do you put into your community, and how much do you keep in check?

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This post is about email, the email you might send to your favorite blogger or social media enthusiast, or someone you’re seeking advice or need a favor from. As I catch up on email after a week away, I find I’m getting a little stressed out.  I wonder if people who send email read what they write half the time, or if they really feel being pushy, negative or bullying is the way to go about doing business.

People, you need to check yourselves.

Now, I get these types of emails all the time, but as I’ve been catching up this week, it seems more consolidated and thus, I’m a little cranky about it.

• Someone who started out with a very angry request for advice and threatened to write me a letter a day until I responded.
• Several people who want me to drop everything I’m doing to perform a specific action right now.
• People who tell me a specific action is the “least I can do” because (insert reason that is out of my hands or has nothing to do with me here)
• People who try to  play the friend card to get in a particular door.

Holy cats! When did we turn into people who are so entitled we forget our manners?  I enjoy being helpful and try hard to be accessible,  but sometimes the tone of the emails I receive is so off putting they stick with me all day. I don’t ask for much. I’m pretty easy going. Please. If you’re sending someone an email, check yourself. You’d be surprised at how a little less entitlement and a little more please and thank you go a long way in helping you to achieve your particular goal.

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