On Playing the Friend Card

by Deb Ng on October 9, 2010

I have a friend…

I have a friend who probably won’t read this because he never reads my stuff. Yet I hear from him often because he wants me to retweet, Stumble, Digg or link to his posts. I  say, “of course, that’s what friends are for.” Sometimes, I wonder why I’m the only active participant in this friendship, and why he has no interest in what I do and why his requests are never preferenced with, “Hi, Deb, how are you?” But he’s my friend and I’m happy to help friends.

I have a friend…

I have a friend who probably won’t read this because what I do doesn’t interest her. She says she’s my great friend. She tells me often, especially after I do her favors. She doesn’t call to say hi, or talk about getting the kids together because she’s really busy. She doesn’t invite us to barbecues or parities, or special occasions and I’m sure she has a good reason. But I hear from her when she needs a babysitter or to ask me if I’m going to the store. Every now and then I might need a babysitter too, but she’s busy and I stopped asking. As long as she knows I’m there for her it shouldn’t matter, right?

I have a friend…

I had a friend who probably won’t read this because he’s not speaking to me anymore. He banned me from Facebook and didn’t want to talk to me on the phone to work things out. He used to Skype me almost every day to find out behind the scenes dirt or check on his friends’ status. If he didn’t agree with one of my decisions regarding him or his friends, he’d Skype and write until I fixed it. I wanted to ask if he Skyped my predecessor to find out dirt and learn about friends, or if he’s only doing so because of our friendship. But I never did because he’s my friend and I didn’t see reason to question it. And it was a good friendship. Was. Because once I couldn’t drop everything to fix something and so I asked him for some time. And it wasn’t good enough, so now he’s no longer my friend. However, I’ll always be here for him.

I have a friend…

I have a friend who I have known virtually for many years who probably won’t read this. She doesn’t reach out to me much on the social networks and doesn’t email or Skype to say hi. But she keeps in touch because every so often I hear from her when she needs help with something. There’s no recipriocity. She doesn’t say, “hey if there’s anything you ever need from me, just ask.” Because it doesn’t matter. Friends don’t do for each other because they expect something in return.

Thank you, friends…

I didn’t learn the true meaning of friendship until I was an adult.When we’re young, we think that having a lot of friends and being popular is the good thing. I was never popular, so volume was important to me back in the day. I’ve since come to learn that it’s not the quantity but the quality.

Thank you to my good friends. The ones who don’t play the friend card when you need something, but, rather, show your spirit every single day. Thank you for not having to tell me you’re my friend or that I’m your friend, but, rather, letting your actions speak for your intentions. Thank you for having my back and for allowing me to have yours in return. Thank you for teaching me that true friends don’t worry about how much you each do for each other, but, rather, that we’re there for each other if the situation ever arises.

Thank you to my true friends.

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  • http://www.hrbartender.com Sharlyn Lauby

    Beautifully written post.

  • http://mainehrcafe.com/ RMSmithJr

    Yes, I have friends and family like this. I’ve chosen quality over quality. Then there is my own self-reliance philosophy.

  • Wendi Kelly

    hence the saying “With friends like these who needs enemies…”

    Isn’t it funny how we all have these “friends” out there, and then when the going gets rough, it’s interesting who it really is who steps up with a supporting e-mail, hug, bit of help or smile? I find it’s often the ones who were quietly in the background, without the fanfare, that I might not have really appreciated. I have tried to really do better with that, really SEEING my true friends in my later years.
    Great post Deb.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=3200610 Jey Pandian

    Agreed. Very well written. Like you, as a kid I focused on volume versus quality but have realized the value of quality over volume. Thank you for writing this post.

  • http://survivingnarcissism.com/ Jesse

    Yes, I know those kinds of ‘friends’. I often think they are in my life to make me REALLY appreciate my true, never-ending, there in the middle of the night, first to grab a kleenex friends.

  • http://andyhayes.com Andy

    Couldn’t agree more. Being a friend isn’t a card, it’s a lot more, and if people treat it as a something a little more special, perhaps it WILL be something special.

  • Kelly Mccausey

    Deb you’re great :) I have a couple of friends like that too but fortunately many more REAL friends that I can turn to.

    I sure hope you know that you can always turn to me!!

  • Jennifer L Chait

    Excellent post! I don’t like the “Will you tweet this/blog this/link this” friends either. That’s hyper annoying. I guess I’m lucky that those people are few and far.

  • http://twitter.com/JimKukral Jim Kukral

    I know a few people like that. Very true.

  • Anonymous

    I don’t think it needs to be said that real friendships aren’t one-way. I like Stephen Covey’s analogy of “emotional bank accounts.” You can’t open a bank account with $0 and immediately try to withdraw money. You have to make deposits first.

    Similarly, friends that never make “deposits” and only make “withdrawals” soon find they’re no longer “friends” at all. And when you’ve overdrawn — when you’ve asked for much more than you’ve ever given — it can take a lot of deposits to get back into the black (if it’s possible at all).

    I have very few people I consider real friends. Most of them have done things for me without me ever asking, just because they were thinking of me. I try my best to do the same for them. When they ask for my help, I bend over backwards for them, not just because they have done so much for me… but also because it makes me happy to help them.

    I’d argue that most relationships people consider “friendships” simply weren’t ever true friendships in the first place.

  • Maria Brophy

    I feel your frustration. However, I bet those “friends” you mention are far outnumbered by your real friends. I’m blessed with great people, and so I don’t run into that very often. However, I do have a pet peeve – people who follow NOONE on Twitter, but have many followers. I don’t get that. Can you write a post about that, please?! And, do you unfollow once you find that they don’t follow anyone?

  • Anonymous

    How sad I am that I can relate to this far too well. Very nicely done.

  • Carson Brackney

    Don’t forget your friends who really are interested but who are surrounded by so much freaking chaos that I can’t even stop–I mean THEY can’t even stop to read a blog post half of the time!
    ;-)

    Reminds me of “truck friends”. I once owned a pickup truck while I was in my 20s. Suddenly, I became immensely popular. Coincidentally, many of my amigos needed help moving large items from one place to another.

    Once the truck was gone, I didn’t hear from some of them quite as often.

    Great one!
    Carson

  • Judy Adamson

    Very true – and your marvellous post has come at just the right moment for me to decide to ‘fade out of’ a one-way friendship. Thank you!

  • deannamcneil

    Your post is such a great reminder for us all to appreciate and cherish all the more the true friends we *do* have in our lives.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kathykormanfrey Kathy Korman Frey

    This is a great post. I have done a lot of thinking about this as an educator of young women, and as someone who has a large circle of friends, but a smaller inner circle of close friends. First I want to defend a couple of your friends about whom you might be on the fence. My question is: Have you told them reading your blog is important to you? I don’t think everyone has to express their friendship in the same way. For instance, my husband doesn’t even read my blog. If I told him it was important to me, then he would read it. This gets to a second key point which is: If you express your needs and concerns – and they are reasonable – does your friend make an effort or meet you half way? As the Maya Angelou quote goes, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Sometimes, part of us inside wants to believe that people are good – and that if someone shows there is a bad or venemous person inside – we are being bad or judgemental if we push them away. We can fix it! Look how great and flexible and “roll with the punches we are”! But, if you state your concerns, and the person really can’t step up to the plate on any level, you don’t need any more evidence. But, it requires your being brave. That’s the hard part. Last, there is a large body of research on the power of friendships for healing and happiness. But, it must be true that it can go the OTHER way too…that BAD relationships and friendships can actually hurt more than just your feelings. When drowning in drama, I sometimes like to go super basic. Are the friends in question 1. Nice to me and do they 2. Want to spend time with me…and actually demonstrate that? These are the two most basic premises for my friendships. Without that, I personally do not feel safe. It feels unstable and ikky. It may take a while, but, ultimately – those people are out.

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