Amazon is more than just a place to download free ebooks and review the latest release by your favorite social media guru so you too can be part of the hip, in crowd. It’s also a treasure trove of hard to find, truly useful products. Products so helpful, yielding such amazing results, they’re reaching mythical proportions.
Don’t believe these products exist? The evidence is in the reviews – see italics for actual quotes.
1. The Three Wolf Moon
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The Three Wolf Moon shirt is legendary. Put it on and you too will be chasing sparkly vampires over the border.
“This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.”
2. Tuscan Whole Milk
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Only wanting the best for my family, I purchased a case Tuscan Whole Milk . It arrived slightly spoiled but I told my family that was how it was supposed to taste. Unfortunately, they all came down with this awful stomach flu for the next couple of weeks so I didn’t have evidence of it’s superhero properties. I’m going to buy it again when everyone is feeling better.
“I tried a gallon of Tuscan Whole Milk, surprised at the price but willing to pay a little more for quality goods. I was disappointed in the quality, however. I have had a lot of milk in my day, being a cereal aficionado of years’ experience. Despite what I thought a charming bouquet and a strong finish, I found the aftertaste and the longevity of the Tuscan Whole Milk to be that of a slightly cheaper milk.”
3. Bic Pens for Her
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Make no mistake. See the pinks, purples and baby blues? This is no mere man pen. If your teacher ever complained about your handwriting, it could be because you used a pen not designed for your gender. The Bic Pen for Her has put an end to that nonsense. Try one of these pretty pastels and you’ll be dotting your i’s with hearts in no time.
“At first I was very happy with these lovely pens to use with my most feminine projects. They are excellent for writing grocery lists, sketching out sewing patterns, keeping track of my menstrual cycle, etc. However, I have two young sons and one loves to draw. He got a hold of one of these last week and instead of drawing his usual cars, trains, rocket ships, and guns, he has started building drawing princesses, unicorns and rainbows, RAINBOWS!”
4. Zubaz Pants
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I bought a pair of Zubaz Pants for Mr. Ng. He looked hot and all, but when we went to Walmart to look around for decorating ideas, the ladies were all over him. Now, I’m proud of his hotness and how he looks in his new pants and all, especially when he pairs it with high tops and a Three Wolf Moon shirt, but I’m not willing to share. Fortunately, I got $1.98 for the used pair in a garage sale and now someone else has to worry about the competition.
“I was searching for clothes that speak to me.. These pants not only spoke to me, they entered my soul and transformed me. When I get out of my bitchin 78 camaro wearing these bad boys, there’s no question who the boss man is.”
5. Uranium Ore
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Sometimes my Geiger Counter goes off the wall and I don’t know if we’re experience the apocalypse or if my machine is on the fritz. That’s why I like to keep a few tins of Uranium Ore handy just to test that puppy out.
“I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty.”
6. Communion Wafers (Box of 1000)
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Admittedly, I’m a bad Catholic as I don’t go to church as often as I should. (Sorry, Mom.) However, with these handy dandies,I don’t have to wake up early on a Sunday to receive the Body of Christ. I may get in to heaven after all.
“These are great for snacking in front the TV while my stories are on. Yesterday I made some onion dip w/ bacon and it was the perfect spread for these little bits of Heaven! The only problem is that sometimes I get a hair or a little bit of bone in a wafer. They should do a better job of filtering out all the Savior’s inedible parts.”
7. Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer
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I have to admit I’m a perfectionist. And when I’m chopping up banana slices for my morning smoothie, I insist on uniformity so all slices blend at the same consistency. I think it’s the key to no lumps, don’t you? I used to use a ruler to make sure all my slices were perfectly proportioned but my son’s teachers were complaining about all the schmootz getting on his homework. Thank goodness I found this banana slicer. Perfectly uniform slices and no schmootz. I’m a good mom after all.
“For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story.”
8. Yodeling Pickle
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I came into some money recently and decided to spend it on some music seeing as Mr. Ng and I are looking for a new home entertainment system. For a while we leaned towards the Singing Trout but we wanted our guests to take us seriously and clearly Travis the Trout is a novelty item. Thank goodness we were able to invest in the Yodeling Pickle and keep our credibility intact.
“When I first saw this toy I thought it was a cucumber, and well what is even the difference between the two? However after buying this toy I learned that there are many differences between pickles and cucumbers. Cucumbers are like young, hip people. They have smooth skin and can be often found in spas. Pickles are like old people, they are wrinkled and everyone hates them. The most impressive feature about this toy though is it’s vibration feature. For some reason this feature made learning about the difference pickles and cucumbers even better for my wife.”
9. Looking For – The Best of David Hasselhoff
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When I drive around town with the windows down blaring The Hoff, all the neighbors are looking. I know what they’re thinking but I pretend not to notice. I wouldn’t be the hippest mom on the block if I wasn’t so nonchalant about the whole thing.
“Twice the ruggedness of mortal man, ten times the talent of any other artist, Hasselhoff dazzles on this CD. Every track has been plucked from the heavens and trembles with vigor and force. God Himself could not record as good a greatest hits album like this, and if He were to listen to all 17 tracks on this compilation, He would refrain from striking me down for blasphemy. The song “Hot Shot City” is particularly good.”
10. JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank
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Admittedly, I’m a nervous driver. I try and take the route with all right turns and avoid traffic circles at all costs. That’s why I’m saving my money for the Badonkadonk Land Cruiser. So safe no child seats are necessary, this rugged vehicle will get all the kids to the soccer game intact. I’m going to buy another one for my son’s first car. Imagine the looks he’ll get from all the kids at school when he pulls up to the parking lot in this muscle car. Look out ladies!
“I am an acquisitions officer for an artillery unit in the Russian Army. Since mafia hooligans stole all of our equipment to sell to Kyrgyzstani rebels, we have been looking for a low-cost alternative to the T-80 Main Battle Tank. After successful trials at a facility in Moscow, this so-called “Badonkadonk” was approved for use in the Chechen theatre. Initial reports were favorable, but then somebody noticed that the tank lacked a cannon, treads, and armor, and possessed the engine of an electric bicycle. It did, however, have an excellent audio system, but this failed to compensate for its disappointing 100% mortality rate. Recommended only for use against Lithuanians.”
11. PlayMobile Security Checkpoint
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I was trying to find the best toy to teach my son how to violate a person’s right to privacy when I landed upon the PlayMobile Security Checkpoint. Soon after, I caught him playing pat down search with some local neighborhood kids. Could strip searches be next? Needless to say, I was so proud.
“I like the basic idea. I applaud Playmobile for attempting to provide us with the tools we need to teach our children to unquestioningly obey the commands of the State Security Apparatus, but unfortunately, this product falls short of doing that. There’s no brown figure for little Josh to profile, taser, and detain? Where are all the frightened plastic Heartlanders pointing at the brown figure as they whisper “terrorist?” Where are the hippy couple figures being denied boarding passes? And shouldn’t someone be forcing a mother figure to drink her own breast milk?”
12. Wolf Urine Lure – 32 Ounce
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I used to take to the woods to collect my wolf urine, but I soon learned of a better, safer way.
“One is immediately drawn to this vintage by the colour, which is an elegant, pale straw hue with an appealing peachy fruit on the nose. It has an incredibly effervescent bead — the whole glass teams with bubbles — culminating in a frothy layer at the head.
The palate has panache, with a firm, mineral acidity that cuts through a rather elegantly styled, poised meaty presence. As with most Chateau Deerbuster products, this has the signature leafy-fresh character, which softens into a slight rancid feel towards the end.”
Even though it has a rather short and crisply defined finish, I still believe this has the composition and acidity to age well in the cellar of any self-respecting urine connoisseur.”
13. Inflatable Toast
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I do like a nice slice of buttered toast in the morning, to have with my glass of Tuscan Milk. However, the carbs are doing me in. As always, Amazon has a solution.
“I give this toast FIVE STARS for Educational Value. It certainly taught not to buy this Inflatable Toast again. Naturally, I was in a hurry to inflate my toast, but in my rush to locate the inflatable peanut butter and inflatable jelly (NOT included!!) the shut-off valve malfunctioned and the toast exploded into several rubbery pieces, sticking to my ceiling fan and causing me to endure the annoying thump-A-thump-A-thump-A sound that only exploded Inflatable Toast can make.”
14. Fresh Whole Rabbit
My son wants a rabbit but, frankly, after two cats, a dog, fish, hermit crabs and a couple of snails, I’m just not into the mess. Rabbits are stinky and I’m sure it’s going to be me cleaning out that litter each day. Avoiding a sad situation, I found a great compromise at Amazon. The Whole Fresh Rabbit. Now my son can enjoy hours of bunny fun without all the fuss and muss. Thank you, Amazon.
“I ordered one of these Fresh “Whole” Rabbits, but when it arrived its head, fur and insides were missing. Not exactly whole, I’d say! Maybe it was just damaged during shipping, but I won’t be buying another one. I mean – without the long ears, how do I know it even WAS a rabbit? It was the same size and shape as a cat…not that I’ve seen a cat with its head, fur and insides missing. I mean, not like really close or anything.
On the plus side, it was delicious with a tall, cold glass of Tuscan Milk, so I give it three stars. That’s three WHOLE stars, BTW.”
15. Box Canvas Print of Paul Ross
I don’t know who Paul Ross is or what he does, but I feel the same way about some of the people I follow on Twitter. Who cares about that stuff, just saying you know of him and sharing his photo makes you one of the in crowd.
“I’ve been looking for a 20 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross since my (completely inferior) 18 Inch Box Canvass of Paul Ross was damaged during a Barium Enema. Thankfully this Canvass really is excellent. The quality of print complements the sheer majesty of Paul’s cherubic face.”
16. Smiffy’s Men’s Borat Mankini Dress
There are no words to describe how hot your man is going to look in one of these. I bought one for Mr. Ng but he refuses to wear it. I know he’s too polite to tell me the reason is because he knows he’ll bring all the girls to the yard when he wears this in the pool.
“I got one of these for my wrestling class. The coach said I needed a singlet, and this was cheaper than the other ones I saw. Plus, I don’t want the guys to think I was being modest. Anyway, I wore it to my first class, and it doesn’t provide nearly the protection I thought it would. The straps work as handles almost. When I got pinned, it was like being stuck in a slingshot. A sweaty slingshot. I guess this would be ok for the beach, but it’s certainly not something you should wrestle in. Unless it with people from craigslist.”
17. BIC Cristal Stic Ball Pen, Medium Point
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I like to refer to these as “Man Pens” since the women pens are so much more colorful. You can tell these are more masculine by their manly colors.
“Since taking delivery of my pen I have been very happy with the quality of ink deposition on the various types of paper that I have used. On the first day when I excitedly unwrapped my pen (thanks for the high quality packaging Amazon!) I just couldn’t contain my excitement and went around finding things to write on, like the shopping list on the notice board in our kitchen, the Post-it notes next to the phone, and on my favorite lined A4 pad at the side of my desk.”
18. How to Avoid Huge Ships
I used to be afraid of going in the water. The thought of having a day at the beach ruined by a passing big ship kept me away. After all, Iy, I want to keep my family safe. Fortunately, I found “How to Avoid Huge Ships” and I’m happy to report I now can wade without fear of getting run over by the Norwegian Epic.
“I bought How to Avoid Huge Ships as a companion to Captain Trimmer’s other excellent books: How to Avoid a Train, and How to Avoid the Empire State Building. These books are fast paced, well written and the hard won knowledge found in them is as inspirational as it is informational. After reading them I haven’t been hit by anything bigger than a diesel bus. Thanks, captain!”
19. Parent Child Testing Product
This item is so awesome I don’t even know what it does. But everyone else on the block has one and even though they can’t explain how to use it, I know it’s something we need in our house so I’m getting one too.
“Since the birth of my daughter I have found myself laying in bed many a night pondering the question, am I a parent? Is my daughter really a child? Is there a product that can answer this question so I can finally get some sleep? Thankfully Amazon has just a product.
The package arrived on time and in good condition. I eagerly opened the package and within minutes was taking the test. Half an hour later my suspicious were confirmed. I am a parent and my daughter is, in fact, a child.
Thanks, Amazon! Now I can get some rest!”
20. Wenger 16999 Giant Swiss Army Knife
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Before I had a husband I had a Wenger 16999 Swiss Army knife. It magnified, it tooth picked, it drove screws and it carved wood. Alas, there was only one thing it didn’t do…
“Extremely useful tool, I’ve used it on almost every trip I have been on. however, the best thing about this is that when you put it on a 5ft staff, it precisely shows you the location of the Ark of the Covenant.”
21. Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk
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As a writer, it’s very important to me that I’m able to work anywhere. Sometimes, I’m carpooling or need to drive to the supermarket and it’s just so inconvenient because I’m on deadline. Now, I can write and fulfill my family obligations at all times. In fact, I get so in to what I’m doing that I’ve missed the occasional traffic light or speed limit sign. I wish the local police officers felt as passionate about my Wheelmate Laptop Steering Wheel Desk as I do.
“Wow is this thing great! I use it as a “mini-bar” when the friends and I go out to the bars. I can quickly fix multiple shots of tequila for myself and the friends as we drive from one bar to the next. We also discovered that if you place a pillow on top of it and turn on the cruise control you can catch quick naps on the interstate. If you swerve to the left or right the rumble strips on the road wake you up in plenty of time before you get into trouble. I can now take longer trips without being tired!”
Do you have a favorite fun review on Amazon? Share in the comments.
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